If you’ve ever tried to truly listen to someone, you might have noticed how difficult it is. When we try to do it, there’s a wide array of obstacles that get in our way: our mood and state of mind, our previous experiences, attitudes, and beliefs about the topic in question, and then there’s our understanding which might not necessarily match what the person is saying. Since mindful listening is so important for any relationship, it’s good to practice it.
Mindful listening is a potent skill that helps us understand another human being. It enables us to connect with others on a deeper level of feelings and needs, which are universal to us all. It requires us to set aside our own thoughts and opinions long enough to understand someone else’s. To listen mindfully means to be open to being moved by someone else’s experience. Empathy is key. When we show empathy, we are doing our best to whole-heartedly understand where the other person is coming from. And when resourced well, we don’t have to fear that empathy will affect our well-being. This practice might be demanding but it’s well worth it if the person you are talking to is someone you care about and love.
To master the skill of healthy communication, check our article on mindful nonviolent communication and the steps to practice it.
Why Listening Is So Important
How many times have you felt better just because you felt heard by another human being? They didn’t try to preach, share their own experiences, offer solutions or give advice, they simply listened to you. And when you felt heard, your body probably signaled it to you in some way – there was a sense of relief, or a deep exhale.
To quote Carl Rodgers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good. When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens.”
And there are so many ways to listen. We can listen to the content of what is being said, to the speaker’s feelings, intentions, or their underlying needs. To really listen, our minds have to be quiet first. As Oren Jay Sofer, meditation and communication teacher, writes in his book Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication, we need to “empty ourselves and make space to receive something new.” Only when we let go of our self-centeredness, our thoughts, views, and feelings, can we truly take in what someone else is saying. To listen means to be interested. To be willing to listen is to be willing to be moved and changed by another person’s experience.
What Most People Tend to Do Instead
- They blame, judge, or criticize: “Why did you do it? I wouldn’t have behaved like that.”
- Lecturing or teaching: “You should….”
- Giving advice: “Here’s what you need to do…”
- Directing: “Get over it.”
- Analyzing you: “The problem lies in your childhood. Your father was too….”
- One-upping: “Oh, that’s nothing, there was this one time I….”
- Distracting: “So, what shall we have for lunch?”
- Asking questions: “What happened then? And how did you respond to that?
- Praising and reassurance: “You’re right.” “I can’t believe that happened to you, you are a wonderful person.”
- Sympathizing: “Oh you poor thing, you did the best you could. It’ll be okay.”
Although asking questions, praising, reassuring and sympathizing might seem like a good thing, they are in fact a sign of the distance between the people. Sympathy has an element of pity in it and is used as a way of separating ourselves from another’s experience in order to preserve ourselves. Praising and reassurance can be helpful but people often use them to avoid meeting another person’s pain. And asking questions, although it shows that the person is interested in understanding, can interrupt the speaker’s natural flow of thoughts and emotions.
Dear One, I Am Here for You
The power of offering another person your unconditional presence is immense. It can ease any pain we might feel. As Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh says in his book Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm: “The most precious gift you can give to the one you love is your presence.” Usually we are too busy to do this. In the morning, over breakfast, we don’t have time to even look at the people we love. We eat quickly and we think about other things. We come home in the evening too tired to acknowledge our loved ones. “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer that person is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?”
So, the mantra to use with our loved ones is very simple –‘Dear one, I am here for you.’ Say this with your mind and your body to experience the full transformation.
Mindful Listening Exercise
Next time you are in a conversation with someone you care about, observe what goes on in your mind. See if there are any tendencies to interrupt, comment, or plan the next thing you’re going to say. When this happens, can you let go and just come back to being present for them?
How to Show That You Are Listening
Reflection is an important part of listening. When you reflect on what has been said, you are showing to the other person whether you understood them or not. Use a phrase such as, “Let me know if I understood you correctly…” “So, what you’re saying is….” By using reflection, you are nurturing the connection between you two, and the connection is an important aspect of any mindful communication. Moreover, when another person feels that they managed to get their point across, they will be more likely to listen to you. So, it’s in your best interest to master the skill of listening and reflection.
The Power of Empathy
Empathy is a key component of understanding another human being. Human beings are naturally wired for empathy, it’s in our biological makeup. That’s why babies cry when they hear other babies crying. Empathy requires us to get out of ourselves to experience another’s inner world. As Oren Jay Sofer writes in his book, “empathy seeks to know experience directly, on its own terms… This willingness to be with experience is the key to empathy.” There’s an element of humility in true empathy. It conveys to another that although I can never really know how you are, I am trying to understand. “This humility contains within it a deep respect and honor for another’s experience.”
As long as there is a concept of me versus you, we are not fully embodied in empathy. In true empathy, there is no separation between the two of us. All experiences, regardless of who they belong to, are to be shared, known, and felt.
To master the skill of healthy empathy, head over to this article. And to improve your empathy levels with yoga, mudras and meditation, go here.
Types of Empathy
There are four types of empathy: cognitive, affective (emotional), somatic and compassionate. Cognitive empathy means to understand how someone feels on an intellectual level. It is about taking the other person’s perspective. Affective or emotional empathy means to feel along with the other person. And, there’s somatic empathy, which is the ability to sense another’s experience in your body. Finally, compassionate empathy means understanding and feeling someone else’s emotions without taking them on as our own. It is rooted in love and altruism. We genuinely wish for another person to be well and all our responses go from there.
How to Show Empathy
Follow these steps:
- Offer your undivided attention.
- When the person has finished talking, paraphrase their words said to check if you understood correctly.
- Reflect with empathy: focus on what seems most prominent, be it the person’s feelings or their underlying needs. If the feelings are most salient, try to guess how they are feeling. And if their needs seem more important to them, address these. Phrase your interpretation as a question because you’re not trying to impose anything, you are checking if you understood.
- Express yourself emphatically. Really take in what they shared and respond honestly from your heart.
- Act with compassion: use compassion to guide you on how you’d like to respond. Perhaps you want to hug them or ask them how you can help.
The Dark Side of Empathy
Now, of course, empathy has its downsides. One psychologist even wrote an entire book against it. Empathy can be overwhelming, leaving us feeling depleted and disoriented. Also, another person’s experience can trigger our own unresolved issues. And of course, when we have our own problems to deal with, it can be difficult to extend empathy to others. If we can’t handle our suffering, how can we deal with that of others?
There are several underlying reasons why empathy might come at a cost for you. You may think that when another person shares their worries with you, you have the responsibility to take care of them. Or perhaps you believe that empathy is about you being in pain. You may be unclear on how you can feel for others and still be happy yourself. Or perhaps you think you know better than them what they need to do so you get upset about it.
Mindfulness offers a solution to the unwanted side effects of empathy: resourcing yourself enough that another person’s experience doesn’t endanger you in any way. Mindful listening helps us attend to another’s inner experience without overidentifying with it.
Exercise: Resourcing Yourself When Empathy Becomes Too Much
Next time you feel overwhelmed by another person’s inner experience, try the following:
- Look around to see that you are physically safe.
- Ground your attention in your body. Use one of the anchors.
- Feel your skin. Notice where the skin of your entire body ends.
- Observe the physical space between you and the other person.
- If none of this helps, ask the person to pause so you have time to process all that has been shared. Use one of the following phrases if it helps: “I need a moment to gather my thoughts.” “I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, can you give me a minute?” “I would like to talk about this more, but I need a bit of time to take it all in. Can we continue talking about this next time/ in 10 minutes?”
Showing Empathy When We Disagree
When we disagree, we may be unwilling to show empathy for another because it might seem that we are approving their views. However, showing that we understand someone is not the same as agreeing or supporting them.
When you find yourself in such a situation, perhaps take a look at it like this instead: most human needs are universal. So, whatever this person is feeling or needing is probably not unknown to you. Try to detect their underlying needs and feelings and connect with these instead of their views.
What Mindful Listening Isn’t
It isn’t about agreeing with the other person all the time. It’s also not about always being calm and polite. Nor is it about ignoring our own needs, feelings, and opinions. And it’s definitely not about accepting abuse of any kind. When we are mindful, we listen to the other person, but also to ourselves. We can detect if someone is violating our boundaries, and do something about it.
Conclusion
Mindful listening is a simple act of pure presence for another human being. When we listen in this way, we are showing honest care to understand the other person, which deepens our connection. To truly listen means to transcend our own experience and enter the richness of someone else’s world. An important part of that is empathy. When used correctly, empathy will not overwhelm us. It will nurture our relationships, just like meditation and mindfulness will. Perhaps we do not want to give the gift of mindful listening to everyone, but I’m sure that at least some people in our lives deserve it.
References:
The theory and exercises from this article are adapted from the book “Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication” by Oren Jay Sofer
“Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm” by Thich Nhat Hanh
Tatjana Glogovac, Senior Contributor At L’Aquila Active
Learn more about Tatjana by reading her bio below.
Click on link below to meet L’Aquila Active’s entire team of experts, including university degrees, certifications, and credentials on yoga and meditation: