“Empathy is a social and emotional skill that helps us feel and understand the emotions, circumstances, intentions, thoughts, and needs of others, such that we can offer sensitive, perceptive, and appropriate communication and support (Karla McLaren “The Art of Empathy). Empathy can help us open our heart chakra.
How to open your heart chakra with empathy:
- Be grounded in yourself. That’s the paradox of empathy – the more anchored you are in your sense of you, the better you can sense others. If you feel overwhelmed, remind yourself of the physical space between you and the other person. Sense the boundaries of your skin. Remind yourself – not my circus, not my monkey. I’m just here to help.
- Know that what is helpful for you might not be helpful for someone else. Perhaps when upset, you prefer to let your emotions out, while those close to you would rather change their focus, or talk about something brighter. Sense what they need and give them that. When in doubt, you can always ask, “How can I help you?” And sometimes being empathic means not to notice anything!
- Don’t make a big thing about you being the helper. The experience is not about you, it’s about the other.
- If you do sense strong physical reactions to someone else’s emotions, let these pass through you.
- If No. 4 doesn’t work, imagine a glass wall surrounding you. In there you are safe.
- You can show empathy to non-human entities and open your heart chakra in this way. If people are too much for you, open your heart to animals, nature, sciences, and arts. Feel into them. Embody these experiences.
In this article on mindful communication we showed you how to get grounded in yourself. And here’s how to stay emotionally and spiritually centered, which is also important for healthy empathy.
Misconceptions About Empathy to Understand Before You Open Your Heart Chakra
There are many misconceptions about empathy out there:
– that all the cruelty in the world is due to a lack of empathy
– that you should open your heart no matter what
– that empathy is always a good thing
– that we feel empathy only towards people
First of all, empathy is not an either-or skill – it’s not that either you have it, or you don’t. It’s a continuum, we all have it, some of us more and some less. If you need proof, think about why movies affect us so much. We get scared when we watch horror movies or laugh at a good comedy. It’s all attributed to our basic human skill – empathy. We’ve all been born with this ability. Moreover, this ability can be trained throughout life so that you become more or less empathic, depending on what you need.
Many people have numbed out their empathy skills. They did it because:
– it was too much for them so they wanted to protect themselves
– they had to adapt to the environment they live in. Many people living in big cities do this.
– they have too much on their plates to be able to empathize with others
Many use empathy to manipulate people. All the greatest bullies, manipulators, and dictators in our history had empathy, they just used it in wicked ways. To know how to hurt someone psychologically and emotionally, you need to have empathy.
Another misconception people have is that empathy is only about feeling with people. “We can feel empathic towards nature, animals, art, music, movement and exercise, dance, drama, literature, ideas, concepts, symbolism, science, mathematics, philosophy, and spirituality. (McLaren)” Empathy allows one to have an embodied, sensual and intense relationship with these. And fortunately, this is an incredible healing practice for any empath with unmet needs.
Also, many people who don’t know how to deal with their problems, tend to spill them out to others and try to make others feel as low as they do. In Serbia, we have a saying – “muko moja predji na drugoga”. It means, “my troubles, go onto someone else.” Some do this unconsciously, and others definitely know what they are doing. Not everybody has good intentions. That’s why you need to be wise with opening your heart chakra with empathy. There’s a lot of unpleasant stuff that might enter depending on where and who you are with.
(And if you do decide to open your heart chakra, here are very practical yoga poses, pranayama and meditation techniques to help you do just that.)
The Research
For the purpose of this article, I reached out to some empaths I know. They are all highly functional people, very successful in their jobs and, most importantly, work with loads of people. And all of them are moms, or moms to be. Why did I choose moms, you might ask. My yoga philosophy teacher once said: “Mothers are already enlightened beings.” I don’t know about other moms, but the moms I interviewed really are something special.
My questions for them were:
- What is healthy empathy to you?
- How do you protect yourself from the negative effects of empathy?
What Is Healthy Empathy?
Jelena Kojic, a high school chemistry teacher, said:
It is the ability to understand other people’s feelings, actively listen to them and offer help without expecting any kind of compensation for it. Unfortunately, we live in a cruel world where empathy is losing its real meaning and where only rare people can tell the difference between healthy and toxic empathy. Identifying with someone else, actively listening to them and investing ourselves into other people’s situations definitely requires a lot of energy. However, this interaction can be a positive experience if both parties find fulfillment and satisfaction. Our energy should not be scattered but focused and channeled into finding a way to solve the problem.
For example, let’s say a person close to us is suffering. We cannot help her to change her source of suffering, but perhaps we can redirect her focus onto something else, or actively provide her support so that they know that they are not alone and that this too shall pass, eventually. Someone’s little is a lot for someone else.
People often perceive empathy as toxic because they do not want to “live” someone else’s moments, sad or happy, explaining that they want to live their own lives and not those of other’s. Still, I think that we should be happy for other people’s happiness, live their happy moments with them, but also know to share their sadness in silence when needed.
My personal experience has shown that I find great pleasure in helping others, that in this way I too grow and develop my personality and nourish my spirit, without of course forgetting my attitudes and priorities. A person who does not set their boundaries will never experience healthy empathy. As the famous saying goes, “Those who don’t understand and love themselves cannot love and understand others.”
Tamara Djurdjevic, family psychotherapist and trainer in assertive communication:
“Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.” Jean de La Bruyère
Those who are open with their own emotions are capable to empathize healthily. In order to connect with others, we need to listen actively, but this does not mean that we need to feel the same as others in the given moment. Depending on who we talk to, we feel different. If the person is close to us or we share the given situation, emotions are likely to overflood us and that’s ok. Some individuals may try to project their unpleasant emotions on us, i.e. if they are feeling low, they think that others should too. It’s important here to recognize that this emotion is not ours.
Rada Koprivica, a flight attendant at Etihad Airways:
Being able to understand the whole picture, to really be capable to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and sense how important it is for them what they are feeling. It means to let their emotions pass through you, but still keep a clear mind and enough distance because in that way you will be of greater help.
Ljubica Komljenovic, a cosmetician, and owner of a beauty salon:
To me, healthy empathy is when I, with my correct actions and advice, if needed, help another person to come over to the bright side of life.
Maja Neidert, marketing strategist, and freelance business consultant
A way to understand someone else’s feelings without completely identifying with them, to understand pain, suffering, frustration without taking it upon yourself and taking it personally. I think that’s where the problem lies because you stop being a useful interlocutor and you both end up dwelling on the same thing. Then you’re not capable to offer support and see an exit from that situation. In my role as a parent, for example, empathy is very important so I can understand and feel what my child is going through. But to help him as a mother, I cannot completely identify because then I wouldn’t be able to help. His pain and suffering would completely overflood me and I wouldn’t be able to solve the problem.
How to Protect Ourselves From the Negative Effects of Empathy
Jelena K: The answer is in ourselves. If we listen actively and choose not to identify with another person’s feelings, then we shouldn’t. We choose who we interact with. If we surround ourselves with cold and toxic people, we will become angry and toxic ourselves. But if we choose positive people and avoid toxic ones, then empathy will find its true purpose.
For more on how to listen, head over to this post on mindful listening.
Tamara Dj: Negative effects of empathy happen when we do not know our own boundaries, and we allow other people’s emotions to flood us. We get physical reactions to what the other person is feeling. Through developing regular mental hygiene, accepting our own feelings, experiencing them fully and releasing them, developing resilience, setting clear boundaries, as well as using assertive communication we can protect ourselves from the negative effects of empathy.
We protect ourselves by releasing our random thoughts on paper on a daily basis, allowing ourselves to live each emotion because each one is healthy and we feel it for a reason, talking to a therapist or a person we trust – all these are techniques we can use to preserve our mental health.
We usually deal with pleasant emotions easier than with unpleasant ones. Pleasant emotions widen our awareness and make us feel good, while unpleasant ones tend to blind us. Both are healthy and we need to accept them, i.e. show empathy towards ourselves.
Resilience helps us empathize but not take on other people’s emotions as our own. We treat the experience in the same way as going to a gallery, seeing an exhibition, and going home. We might not like the pictures we see, but we didn’t paint them nor do we don’t have to buy them.
A person who knows their boundaries knows what feels good for them, and what not, and can assertively communicate it and refer the person they are talking to to someone else (an expert). Knowing our own boundaries means knowing ourselves, and the freedom to say NO is the ability to really feel and understand ourselves.
Rada K: When I sense I’m going in too deep, I protect myself by coming back a few steps.
Ljubica K: I set boundaries, and visualize a glass wall between me and the person I feel so that their energy does not affect my energy field.
Maja J: I feel the negative effects of empathy when I make someone else’s problem as my own. I protect myself by consciously explaining to myself that this is not my problem, I am hear to listen, understand and, if I can and am asked, to help. “Not not my circus, not my monkey, but I’m here to share in with you.” I remember to be mindful.
For more on how mindfulness can have a positive impact on your relationships and marriage, check this post.
To Open Your Heart Chakra with Healthy Empathy, Practice Emotional Hygiene
A healthy empath needs to practice emotional hygiene. It’s funny how we all remember to brush our teeth or put on clean socks, but our emotional hygiene gets completely neglected! Carlos Castaneda said, “Never go to bed angry.”
Now, how to go about your unpleasant emotions? Some people need to let them out, while others prefer transforming them. I’ve heard some people say that the moment they enter their house and see their kids, they forget about all that troubled them before. One of my friends, for example, who is a great empath, goes to children’s playgrounds. The sight of kids being kids fills her up with good vibes. These are good examples of how emotions can be transformed. Find your thing.
For those who need to release their pent-up emotions – it’s ok, do it, but make sure you don’t hurt others. How to do this? First of all, don’t become the person that hurt you. If someone was mean to you, don’t be mean to others in order to feel better. Be mindful about how you are expressing these emotions, especially if they are very strong. Don’t direct them into the other person. Best look away from them or let your emotions out into the space around you two. For these purposes, you need to have an open-minded therapist or a friend, someone who won’t judge what you say. Someone in whose presence you feel free to let it all out.
Many people judge themselves for feeling so-called negative emotions. Please know that whatever you are feeling is okay. Don’t create resistance within you. Don’t try to embellish your emotions. Be honest with yourself. If you’re jealous, for example, just say it.
Venting is great. But best, give your listener a heads up, first. Say something like, “Can I tell you about something that bothers me? It might take a while. Do you have the time and space for me?” Many people might assume that you are looking for advice or consolation. In this way, you are letting them know how they can help you. And when you feel listened to, a whole new world opens.
Here’s a wonderful explanation about the power of being listened to by Karla McLaren: “When you’re working with someone in turmoil, the first step is to listen compassionately, without interruption. You let the person talk his or her way through the issue without turning it into a conversation about what you would do or have done or have thought of doing (and you don’t take anything personally—this step is not about you!). You don’t impede the flow of words, but neither do you just sit there like a rock. Instead, you make supportive sounds like, yeah, or mm-hmm, while still letting the person have the floor.
This step often brings a solution forward on its own, because people almost never get the chance to talk without interruptions or suggestions (usually because the listener can’t simply sit with the discomfort and trust the speaker to find his or her own way). Most of us never get to the deeper parts of our stories or issues, because other people are always hijacking the conversation and trying to fix everything or shut down the flow because it’s uncomfortable for them. However, if we’re allowed to really talk things out, we often talk ourselves right into our own solutions.”
Conclusion: Ground Yourself First Before Opening Your Heart Chakra With Empathy
Being an empath is a tricky business. What happens to many is that they either lose themselves to such an extent that they can’t distinguish their own feelings from those of others, or they react to other people’s feelings as if they were attacks to themselves. Before opening our hearts to other people, we need to practice some grounding and mindfulness. Only in this way can we be of assistance to others and not get hurt in any way.
Tatjana Glogovac, Senior Contributor At L’Aquila Active
Learn more about Tatjana by reading her bio below.
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