We use the term ‘victim’ to write this article, but I am not a big fan of it. It has a derogatory connotation for those who suffer. The victimhood mindset is a heavy one and I can tell you that because, according to most definitions, I definitely have one. How to get out of the victim mentality trap? Let’s do it together. Solutions come easier when we know we are not alone in this.
To avoid and break the victim mentality trap, one first needs to have compassion for oneself. Resource yourself with any qualities you may need to support yourself. No shaming or blaming, please. Secondly, build confidence by achieving small goals and move on to something bigger from there. Thirdly, focus on giving others more. Showing love to others can help you love yourself. And when you love yourself, you are better at protecting yourself. The fourth thing is to be grateful for what you already have. This will help you shift your perspective. The fifth thing is to get closure on your past hurts. Forgive yourself and perhaps someone else. Then, take ownership of your decision, and use common sense approach “Why is that guy better than me?” Lastly, you need to want change badly enough. Realize just how much suffering has victimhood brought you.
How to Recognize if You’re Stuck in the Victim Mentality Trap?
Dr Tracey Marks talks about how to recognize if we’re in the victim mentality mindset here:
- If you have a negative perspective on most things and you feel that life is not on your side.
- If you ask yourself why a lot. ‘Why is this happening to me, why me, why can’t people be nicer to me? Why don’t they understand me?’
- If you ruminate over things often, and have expectations of negative outcomes. The “why bother” mindset.
- “If you criticize yourself too much and have a low opinion of yourself and you feel you don’t deserve good things,” Dr Marks
- You get angry often and are resentful of other people’s successes.
Sometimes only certain aspects of your life can be affected by victimhood. It could be your family or work life, or your relationship with friends. This pesky mentality can sneak in and leave dire consequences on your self-esteem and personal power.
How to Get Out of the Victim Mentality Trap – Solutions
Dr Marks explains that setbacks and disappointments and hurts are all part of the uncertainties of life. How we respond to them determines how satisfied we will be with our lives. “We can’t control our circumstances, but we can control how we respond to them,” Dr Marks.
Solution 1: No Shaming or Blaming
The first thing to know is not to label yourself as a victim. This type of shaming and blaming can’t help anyone. Have compassion for yourself instead. Go over everything you’ve been through to understand just how big it is. And feel no blame or guilt because you haven’t been able to process it. Nobody likes to lose their personal power. It’s not something any one of us wants.
Some people get into bad habits, such as complaining. It can happen to us all. Track your thoughts. As we’ve mentioned in our article on how to replace negative with positive self-talk, there are super effective ways you can deal with your inner monologue. Use some of them. In this case, we suggest labeling your thoughts. If you notice that too much of your self-talk is based on what others have done to you, face that mental chatter. Get tired of it. And talk to yourself. Show some love to your wounds. No pity or wallowing, just love, tolerance, understanding and compassion for yourself. Each one of these resources will last you a lifetime if you develop them.
And how to develop them? Scroll down this article for HEAL meditation.
Solution 2: Build Confidence by Creating Small Achievable Goals
If you are of the belief that good things won’t happen to you, you need to retrain your mind. And more importantly, since our brains can get pretty stubborn in our old habits and patterns, keep going over and acknowledging those little goals you’ve accomplished.
Use a to-do list, so you can measure your progress. Write little comments about how you felt before doing the task and how you feel now. Notice negative and self-defeating patterns in there. Since we know that this type of thinking is of no use to anyone, especially not you, take the time to acknowledge it and replace it with a more positive self-talk. You can find different tools and strategies to do that here. Try them out. If one doesn’t work, try another one!
Once you make progress with small accomplishments, go ahead with something a bit more demanding. It’s basically like learning to walk. You take one step, then another, then another, and there you go running! Takes time and effort, but isn’t it worth it? Who else wants to be in the victimhood state of mind?
Solution 3: Give More
When in a state of victimhood, one tends to get needy. Being needy puts other people off so no wonder it reaffirms your victim mentality trap: “why me, why, why, why.” Also, the needier you get, the more likely you will get disappointed when your needs aren’t met.
So, instead of being focused solely on your own needs, shift your perspective and focus on meeting other people’s needs for a change. This helps you rise above the victim mentality trap. “The satisfaction you receive from loving or showing love to others gives you a reason to love yourself. And when you love yourself, you build a hedge of protection around yourself to guard against future hurts,” Dr Marks explained.
Solution 4: Be Grateful for What You Have
I know, you probably hear this one a lot. But, that’s only because it’s so important and effective!
When you’re in victim mode, you’re all too focused on what you don’t have. Again, shift your perspective! So important! Remind yourself of all that you do have. Start with the basics. I’ll go first.
I have:
- all my limbs.
- all my organs working well.
- the internet.
- a warm shower and electricity.
- a couch to sit on as I type this.
- 3 good friends in my life.
- good-natured cousins.
- healthy parents.
- a dog.
- a supermarket nearby – I don’t have to walk for 20 minutes to buy bread. (And if I did – well then, I have an opportunity to walk for 20 minutes every day when I go to buy bread.)
- 3 university degrees, and 3 professional certificates.
- 4 professions and 2 amazing and fulfilling jobs.
And then just keep repeating “I have, I have, I have.”
If you’re into chakras, the victim mentality is related to a sense of safety in this world, which is governed by the root chakra. See here how you can use essential oils to balance your root chakra – smells do wonders for you, that’s why aromatherapy is widely recognized.
And it’s also a sign of an imbalanced solar plexus chakra. So, check here how to balance it to grow your self-esteem. So, simple affirmations with “I have” can help you balance the root chakra as well.
If you’ve noticed, in my list, I started with the obvious things first. This makes things easier, because it’s something that my brain can’t argue with. I do have a nose and I can smell things with it. That’s the reality. Then I moved on with more abstract things, such as friends, jobs and so on. Now my pessimistic side might start forecasting that I might lose my friends, my jobs, my health and so on. Perhaps you are like me?
What matters for the list is what you have RIGHT NOW. We are not talking about the future, because we don’t know what the future will bring- we just don’t know. We are simply numerating things that we have RIGHT NOW. Because the present moment is all that we have. Yes, we have a past. But the past is gone. Yes, there’s quite a few people that have let me down, but those people are gone now too. So, what do you have right now?
Take a pen and paper. And remember, start with the most obvious thing first. And if you wish to take them for granted, just ponder for a few seconds what your day would be like if you didn’t have running water. I experienced it yesterday and let me tell you, it sucked.
Solution 5: Get Closure on the Past
Perhaps you’ve been hurt many times in the past and the wounds are still open. Get closure on them. Help them heal. “This may involve forgiving someone, it may involve forgiving yourself. If you blame yourself for continuing to make the same mistakes over and over, or trusting the same wrong person, you need to do the following: you need to understand what draws you to these bad decisions in the first place … Once you have a good handle on your pattern, press the reset button. And you trust that you can move on with better decisions in the future,” Dr Marks.
Solution No. 6: Take Ownership of Your Decisions
No one can make you feel a certain way if you don’t let them. It’s totally up to you. And if there are people who make you feel lousy, because they criticize you too much, or put you down, and so on, limit your contact with them. “Because they are not helping you. And sometimes you don’t have the option of never seeing them because it’s a family member, maybe a parent. In that case, you have to set an emotional distance between you and that person to protect yourself from always being hurt by them,” Dr Marks.
Solution No. 7: Use Common Sense
Ask yourself, why are you any worse than anybody else? Say to yourself, “Why is that guy any better, or more competent than me? If they can do it, then so can I!” That’s the only useful form of comparison with other people you should practice.
Solution No. 8: Want Change Badly Enough
Since the victim mentality is probably not something you will get rid of at once and for good, apply the above mentioned techniques every time you slip into it. And then again, maybe you do get rid of it super soon. This of course depends on how sick of it you are, really sick of it. Perhaps you reflect on all the suffering it has given you? Perhaps you reflect on how much better your life can be if you don’t harbor this mindset? For any change to happen, you need to want it bad enough. Embrace the discomfort of change
In the book “The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science,” psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Norman Doidge explained that making new synaptic connections (because that’s what you will be doing if you want to lose the victim mentality) is similar to walking on a snow hill. There are these trodden paths you’ve walked on before so it’s easy to walk them. However, walking new paths takes effort because they are covered in snow. Make new paths in your brain.
Conclusion: Do What’s Good for You
The bottom line is that victimhood will do you little good. That’s why getting out of it is in your best interest. Who likes to think that good things happen to other people? And who likes to believe that they are the ones who always pay the price for trusting others and are always let down? Who likes to think that… you got my point. Don’t be that guy/lady. And remember, you are your best friend. Do what’s best for you.
Tatjana Glogovac, Senior Contributor At L’Aquila Active
Learn more about Tatjana by reading her bio below.
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