We are neurologically programmed to notice negative events more than positive ones because our brains are wired for detecting danger and negative events. They developed this tendency to protect us. However, this property of our brain ended up doing us more harm than good because that type of life threatening danger the brain scans for rarely exists in the world we live in today. And to make things worse, once you start engaging in negative perception and negative self-talk, it usually sends us on a downward spiral towards more negative thoughts. It’s like a bottomless pit. So how to stop it? And how to replace negative self-talk with a more positive one?
Ways to replace negative self-talk with a positive one are many. What works for one person might not work for another. That’s why we presented 13 techniques that can help you get out of that hole. Try them out and see what works best for YOU:
- Cultivate opposite type of thinking
- Describe the situation in the third person
- Advise yourself as if you were your best friend
- Face the sensations of your thoughts through meditation
- Schedule regular negative self-talk time
- Classify and find patterns in your negative thoughts
- Get tired of them
- Stop paying attention to them
- Vent
- Try affirmations that WORK FOR YOU
- Move the body
- Change the scenery
- Befriend your demons
Studies have shown that even a simple activity such as dart throwing depends on the type of self-talk we engage in. Those study participants who performed positive self-talk were more accurate in throwing darts than those who engaged in negative self-talk. Your self-talk colors all areas of your life – relationships, work, family and more. It is the lens through which you view the world. That’s why it’s imperative to have one that promotes a healthy mode of thinking and being.
1. Practice Pratipaksha Bhavana – Cultivate Opposite Thinking
This is an ancient yogic practice described in the Yoga Sutras. Pratipaksha means ‘opposite’ and Bhavana means ‘emotion’, so loosely translated, it means to ‘cultivate the opposite’. For yogis to stop negative self-talk, they need to cultivate the opposite mode of thinking, i.e. practice positive self-talk. This technique probably sounds familiar and logical, but isn’t it incredible that a 20-century-old book writes about this? It sure gives it some weight.
In general, in yoga negative self-talk goes against the Yamas and Niyamas, the moral code of yogic living. Ahimsa is the Yama or restraint of non-violence in thoughts, words and actions. And Saucha is the Niyama or observance of cleanliness. This does not mean only physical cleanliness. It also refers to the cleanliness of the mind too, the mental impurities. Gossip, jealousy, coveting, these are all impure thoughts and actions. How clean and neat is your garden of the mind? There were times when I thought only weeds were growing in mine! Take care of your garden.
So, when yogis catch themselves thinking negative thoughts, they immediately begin to create thoughts of positivity and benevolence. They do this because they are aware that such negative thinking causes suffering and is ultimately not even true.
To look more other causes of our suffering, take a look at our article on non-duality and how to recognize you get it.
This practice can be done during meditation, asanas or day to day life. It takes time and consistent effort to make it a habit, but it works. It is challenging but can shift the mind in such a way that you end up picking up only positive energy.
2. Describe the Situation in the Third Person
A good technique used in psychology is describing the situation in the third person. For example, “Tatjana got upset because she thought that she would lose her job if she didn’t finish this article on time.” This helps with emotionally distancing yourself from the situation and observing it more objectively. And when you’re on the territory of objectivity, it’s far easier to manage your thoughts.
3. What Advice Would You Give to Your Best Friend?
Again, use your name to talk to yourself, not the first person. And really pretend like you’re talking to a good friend. You can try this while looking at yourself in the mirror or not. Really talk to yourself. Here’s my example:
Tatjana, you can’t predict where life will take you, nothing is set in stone. You do not have to necessarily end up in your hometown for the rest of your life, and even if you do, perhaps it might not be that bad. Remember that time you thought x would happen, and then it turned out y. You see? The truth is that you have no super powers to predict where you will live. Just last week a friend invited you to go to Sweden with him. Could you have predicted THAT? No? So then, shush.
As you can see, my self-talk is not always compassionate, but it’s based on common sense. For me personally, this helps.
For many, showing empathy to oneself helps. To learn more about healthy empathy, check this post. And to see how yoga, mudras and meditation can help develop it, go here.
4. Face the Sensations of Your Thoughts Through Meditation
I used to fight a lot with my thoughts. Just noticing them without judging was definitely not my thing. Mindfulness didn’t come easy to me.
(But neither does for many people. We explained this in our article on embodied mindfulness. Some people are too traumatized to feel their bodies and accompanying sensations, while others have physical and emotional reactions that are too strong to simply sit with them. If you’re in this tribe, no worries. Head over to that article to see what to do about this.)
So, the type of meditation I do is really facing the sensations of my thoughts. So I don’t focus on the content but the sensations. I feel into my thoughts. I track where they come from. Often I notice them coming from the right side of the brain. Sometimes I feel them on my forehead. So I just focus on the space they come from, I face these sensations and slowly they melt away. I don’t just let them be while I focus on the breath (though sometimes I do when they’re not too triggering). Try this?
5. Schedule Regular Negative Self-Talk Time
This sounds quite paradoxical, but when you decide to think negatively, it gets pretty hard. It’s as if your negative thoughts are feeding off your resistance. So, when there’s no resistance, it becomes more difficult to think these intrusive thoughts. So, drop the resistance. Say to yourself, “Now I’m going to think negatively for an entire 10 minutes. Ha!”
Make sure you don’t do it for longer than that and also, make sure to do it regularly.
6. Classify and Find Patterns in Your Negative Thoughts
When I was really low, struggling with mental health problems, my thoughts became pretty routine and predictable. Irritation about things I need to do and dread about the future. So, after a while, it was easy for me to notice their trends and patterns. Take a pen and paper and try this?
7. Get Tired of Your Negative Self-Talk
After you’ve heard the same stories over and over and over in your mind, you get immune to them. Because it’s the same sh*** all the time! And because it’s all the same old, same old, you get over it. The trick here is to go down into your thoughts and stop avoiding or fighting them. Log them in a journal. It gets pretty depressing when you notice it’s always the same stuff. Having this conscious realization helps you do something about it.
8. Stop Paying Attention
Your energy goes where your attention goes. So, be mindful of where you place your attention. If you are focused on your negative self-talk all the time, how can anything else get in? By denying your attention to them, after a while, you begin to notice the frequency and intensity of these thoughts diminish.
9. Try Affirmations That Work for YOU
If you don’t believe in them, they probably won’t work. So try and say what you actually believe to be true. When I tried positive affirmations, just saying them made me cringe. I felt like I was lying to myself. I know people who have felt the same in the beginning but it worked for them after a while. For me it did not. Or perhaps I gave up too early. Either way, what I do now is I say what I really find to be the truth. For example, “I am a good person, I am a good friend, I am funny.”
10. Vent!
I love venting. Some claim that it doesn’t help. They say that you end up reliving the situation that upset you, which makes things even worse, also biochemically speaking because you re-release the same toxins in your body. However, I personally like it. Even if I don’t end up finding a solution, it just feels better to get that stuff out of my system.
Note that it is a good idea to inform the person you wish to vent to about your intention. This places the other person in the role of a listener. It gives them a clear sign of what is expected of them. In this way, you make sure that they won’t start giving you unsolicited advice when the time is not right. The time is for you to vent! And when someone really hears you, it feels damn good.
To check out more about how to listen to others mindfully, head over to this post.
11. Move Your Body
Did you know that physical space limits our mental space as well? Think how you feel in nature vs in line in a bank. When we spend too much time in closed spaces, we get enclosed in the same old thinking patterns. During the pandemic and lockdowns I had quite a bit of time to study this. The thoughts I have when I go into the bathroom, the thoughts that enter my mind as I reach the kitchen… This stuff keeps repeating!
Physical spaces can close us into mental patterns of worrying, stress, anxiety, especially if we think these thoughts every day. So, that’s why mere positive thinking is not always enough. We need to fight against our unwanted thinking and feeling patterns on a physical level too. We need to change the location, move the body, go somewhere new. And then, just like that, new unexpected thoughts are likely to arise.
12. Change the Scenery
Traveling does wonders to change the type of self-talk you have. First of all, because it gets you out of your head. Second, you are experiencing with all your senses a reality around you which you haven’t experienced before. So, your mind is too busy focusing on the wonders you see around you. For me, just seeing new trees helps to shut down my negative self-talk. Also, traveling helps in particular with anxious and worrisome thoughts because you get to see that most of the things you dreaded would happen, didn’t! And thirdly, traveling is likely to induce feelings of surprise, wander and awe. And isn’t it awesome when you surprise your negative self-talk with other thoughts you never expected to show up.
13. Befriend Your Demons
It’s nice to dream that you will get rid of all your negative thoughts some day, but chances are, they will prop up every now and then. Befriend them!
Sounds easier said than done, but as always, logic helps with doing this: understand that if you get upset about your negative self-talk, this will only create more instability in the mind and attract even more negativity. As mentioned, resistance breeds more resistance. You end up fighting with your thoughts, berating yourself for not managing to replace them and so on.
Instead, say “Hey you stressful thoughts, hi dreading thoughts, what’s up my worrying thoughts.” Pat your demons on the back.
Conclusion: If One Technique for Replacing Negative with Positive Self-Talk Doesn’t Work, Don’t Despair. Try Another One Instead!
It took me a long time to start practicing these techniques simply because my negative self-talk would prevent me. “This won’t help. Been reading too many of these blogs. Yeah right, like this is going to help.” Don’t be like me. If your negative self-talk tells you not to try this because it’s futile, well – you just got yourself a chance to practice positive self-talk.
Tatjana Glogovac, Senior Contributor At L’Aquila Active
Learn more about Tatjana by reading her bio below.
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