We’ve received a lot of interest on the question of setting personal boundaries. Apparently, many people are struggling with this. When we were toddlers, saying no was easy – what happened to us? In this article we are looking into practical ways that yoga can help us create and maintain personal boundaries.
Yoga is a great tool for anyone looking to create healthy boundaries because it helps us apply what we learn on the mat to real life situations. It teaches us to honor and respect the wisdom of our body. Moreover, it trains us to detect what’s good for us vs what’s not. If you’re looking for an instant lesson on what setting good boundaries is about, try the following yoga practices:
- The Embodied Warrior
- The Breath of Fire
- The Ujjayi breath
- The Care pose
- Saying No pose
- Swasti mudra and pushing the wall
- Core work yoga poses (Plank, Knee-to-elbow Plank and Boat pose)
Why Boundaries Are Important
We interviewed Katarina Thome to tell us more about boundaries and how yoga can help with setting them. Katarina has been studying and practicing various forms of yoga, meditation, movement medicine and spiritual growth for 30 years and sharing what she has learnt along the way for the last 20 years. Her current focus is Self Care and Embodiment – re-sourcing through awareness, acceptance, gentleness and kindness to ourselves:
“Boundaries are kind. They allow other people to know where they stand, how far they can push us, and how to orientate their demands/requests around our values. But, much more than this, our boundaries help us know what we stand for and how to stand strong, clear and open without becoming defensive or overly aggressive.
When we have healthy boundaries, we do not attract invasions into our private space: having clearly embodied and expressed boundaries makes it unnecessary to continuously have to renegotiate our space or become passive aggressive. People sense our boundaries and usually adjust their behaviour accordingly.”
Boundaries are kind. They allow other people to know where they stand, how far they can push us, and how to orientate their demands/requests around our values. But, much more than this, our boundaries help us know what we stand for and how to stand strong, clear and open without becoming defensive or overly aggressive.
Katarina Thome
Boundaries on and off the Mat
“The first boundary yoga teaches us is the very visible and clearly defined one of the yoga mat, our sovereign territory. Here we learn to open and surrender, with both ease and effort – it is also where our resistance, struggle and patterns become obvious. Yoga is, in essence, a journey of awareness which exposes our habitual patterns. With awareness we become free to choose to change, to develop healthier boundaries, to grow.
The yoga mat is our practice space, where we can explore the whole issue of our boundaries without unwanted consequences. What we learn in yoga, on the mat, is what we can bring to our daily lives, off the mat. Being present and embodied is the first step in creating healthy boundaries. Almost all aspects of yoga help us to feel open, expansive, and strongly and calmly centred in our bodies.” (Katarina Tome)
Once we embody this way of being, it will be easy to translate it into other aspects of our lives. Soon we learn notice and change destructive thoughts and patterns into more healthier ones.
Your Body Knows Best
As we always like to say here on L’Aquila Active, listen to your body. It is the latest model of 200 000 years of human evolution! It knows what’s good for you. So, if there is a yes that you’re saying that is making you feel uncomfortable, take this as a sign. If certain places and people make you wince at the idea of being in them/with them, then that’s probably a clear sign that you shouldn’t. If you know in advance that a situation will make you feel depleted because you’ve been in it enough times to know by now, respect your wisdom. You gained it through experience, not from books.
Exercise:
Think of a situation in which you don’t like to be, or a person you don’t like to be with. Visualize the situation as if it’s happening right now. How does this make you feel? Notice the sensations in the body. Is there a knot in the belly, a tightness in the throat, a shoulder pain. Shoulder pain usually means that you are taking on more than it’s good for you.
Learning the Hard Way
Just the other day, a friend was telling me about his new yoga student who got so pumped about yoga he wouldn’t stop doing it. My friend kept telling him not to push and not to force himself. In the end, he hurt himself and so, he learned. Many of us have had to injure ourselves in yoga in order to learn how much we can do and to respect our limitations. And many of us had to experience burnout or depletion from taking on more than they could to learn their limits. Let’s learn from past lessons, be them on or off the mat.
Exercise:
Close you eyes, and take a few deep breaths. Feel your body and the ground under you. Then go back to all the situations when you said yes when you should have said no. Write them down on a piece of paper. What happened when you listened to your own needs? What were the consequences?
Honor Your Limitations
People tend to think it’s bad to say that you can’t do something. In the era where we are all about being limitless and fulfilling our maximum potential, the “I can’t phrase” has received a lot of negative connotations.
But, knowing that you can’t do something is the most liberating feeling of all! Being clear on what and how much you can do is a clear sign of knowing and respecting yourself. Honor your limitations and ground yourself in them.
Grounding implies limitation […] While frightening to some people, this limitation is an essential creative principle. If we didn’t limit our activities, we would accomplish nothing. If I didn’t limit my thoughts as I typed this manuscript, I couldn’t write. Far from being a negative, limitation creates a container that allows energy to build and gel into substance. To manifest, we must be willing to accept limitation. Grounding is a harmonious acceptance of natural limitation. (Wheels of Life: A User’s Guide to the Chakra System by Anodea Judith)
In short, limitations help you get sh** done. So, don’t feel guilty or that you’re letting down your beliefs for saying no to others once in a while.
The ‘I Can’t and I’m Happy About It’ Exercise:
Take out a piece of paper and write down all the things you can do. And instead of feeling apologetic or not good enough, be happy for a change! Yes, this is something I can’t do. Woohoo! I know myself.
Yoga Practices for Boundaries
The Embodied Warrior Pose
“The energy of the Embodied Warrior Pose is grounded, solid, present, clear and focused. It is difficult to maintain a muddled mind or be unboundaried once you settle into the warrior.” (Katarina)
Do this pose as you would do the Warrior 2, with one difference: bend the front knee further forward to emphasize forward direction. You can accompany the pose with the Ujjayi breath.
The Breath of Fire
“You can add Breath of Fire to the Warrior pose or do it separately. Notice how this breath enlivens our whole system and helps us to feel our own strength, a tingling of energy in and around our body that clearly states – ‘I’m here, I’m fully present, Life is flowing through me. Don’t mess with me’,” Katarina explained.
The Care Pose
An important thing in setting boundaries is knowing our values.
Katarina: “What do I stand for, what am I here to embody, what am I here to protect and nurture? The potent psychoactive EYP pose called Care Pose is one of my favourite poses!”
How to do it:
- “Sitting or standing place both hands on your heart centre and connect with the quality of your heart.
- Then slowly let the hands float forward away from the heart until the hands are no longer touching, a few centimetres apart.
- Your arms are now in front of you at chest level, palms facing inwards, forming a circle, as if your arms were encircling a large bowl.
- Feel the energy between your heart and your hands.
Within the circle of your care sense the people, places, things, values that are important to you, that you are willing to be responsible for in your life. Now feel the boundary of your arms – notice the sharp edges of your elbows, shoulder blades, fingers. These are keeping out what is not yours to protect and making a sacred space for what is within the circle of your heart. Your arms, in this case, are your boundary. Everything within your embrace is protected and safe.”
Saying No Pose
Katarina: “How do you say No? Do others believe your No? Do you believe your No?
Learn to say “No” with authority and clarity. Practising Embodied Yoga Principle “No” pose can help us change some very unconscious patterns around how we hold our boundaries.
Give it a try – it can be very revealing. It certainly was for me.”
How to do it:
- Step forward with your right leg. Keep the legs approximately as wide as the shorter end of the mat.
- Bend the front leg and keep the back one straight. 60% of the body weight should be on the front leg.
- Lift the right arm and extend it forward so that it’s in front of your heart space.
- Lift the right palm so it makes a 90 degree angle with the arm.
- Form a fist with the left hand, not too tight and not too loose, and place it next to the left hip.
- Extend the spine, and keep the neck and head straight
- Make a serious face.
- Staying in this position, say ‘No’ in your native language several times, loudly and clearly.
Swasti Mudra+Pushing the Wall
- Stand into a comfortable stance, wider than the hips. Bend the knees and go down. Tuck the tailbone.
- Bend the right arm and place the outside of the right palm next to the left shoulder. Now put the left arm in front of the right one and the outside of the left palm next to the right shoulder, making an X sign. Keep the palms straight.
- Stand there contemplating on your No.
- Then stretch the arms out to the sides, keeping them in level with the shoulders. Straighten the palms so the form a 90 degree angle with the arms (if your wrists can’t do this, then stretch them as much has you can). Imagine pushing a wall with your palms, creating your own space around you. Say to yourself “This is my space.”
Core Work Yoga Poses
Since the core or the third chakra is associated with our personal power, and knowing where we begin and others end, it’s worth working on this. The following yoga poses are great for strengthening your center and helping you assert your boundaries.
Plank Pose
- From tabletop, walk your hands forward and lift up into a plank.
- Shoulders are over wrists.
- Feel you palms pushing against the floor, fingers spread wide.
- Bring your shoulder blades towards the spine. Spread the space between them and lift it up towards the ceiling.
- Bring your lower belly in and up towards the heart.
- The tailbone reaches towards the heels.
- The heels reach towards the back wall.
- The neck is in line with the spine and the whole body is forming one straight line.
Knee-to-Elbow Plank Pose
- Maintaining the same alignment as in the plank pose, bend your right knee and bring it to the right elbow.
- Come back into plank and then bring the right knee to the opposite elbow.
- Do this on the same side.
- Remember when doing this to keep the space between the shoulder blades spread wide and arms strong.
Boat Pose
- Keeping the back straight, lean back so that you are sitting on your tailbone. Lift both legs, bent at the knees. Keep the toes at eye level, or slightly above. Tighten the belly and lift the arms by the sides of the body.
To learn more about how to stop being a people pleaser, go here. And to master the tools to increase your self-esteem, check this post.
Conclusion: The Tools are There, You Just Need to Use Them
Do not let this be another blog post you read and moved on without trying out these tools. Take a moment to try these poses and see what they do for you. If you’re struggling with setting healthy boundaries, use these yoga hacks to help you get where you need to be. Ultimately, a lack of boundaries is a lack of self-love. When you love someone you care about their own well-being. So, be that person for yourself. Don’t wait for others to fill that spot. Not to sound pessimistic, but you might never live to see the moment.
Our Contributor: Katarina Thome
Katarina Thome is a global citizen who has been studying and practicing various forms of yoga, meditation, movement medicine and spiritual growth for 30 years and sharing what she has learnt along the way for the last 20 years. Her current focus is Self Care and Embodiment – re-sourcing through awareness, acceptance, gentleness and kindness to ourselves. She is allergic to social media and believes that those who are attracted to her multifaceted teaching approach will find her at katarina.thome@post.harvard.edu. Katarina is a Norwegian, raised in Asia, educated in the UK, Singapore and USA and now living on the island of Gozo in the Mediterranean where Zoom has become her main teaching portal to the world.
Tatjana Glogovac, Senior Contributor At L’Aquila Active
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