As I am getting older, there’s less and less people I can call my people. When I was younger I thought that trust was the first thing you give to people. How else can you create great relationships? After many painful lessons, I’ve learned that one should be careful with who they give their trust to. Unfortunately, this has gone to an extreme for many. It’s beneficial for us all to have people we can trust. So, how to go about it? The question of how to build trust in relationship and the workplace is the topic of today’s article. Let’s look into it.
To build trust in relationships, one needs to:
- Create space for open and safe communication.
- Allow yourself to be vulnerable.
- Not act from ego based interests.
- Abandon expectations and replace them with communicating your needs and wishes.
- Engage in activities that go beyond talking.
- Have shared passions.
- Appreciate and be grateful for each other’s presence.
To build trust in the workplace, it’s necessary to:
- Establish a culture of transparency where everyone knows who does what.
- Nurture a safe space where free and honest communication is open to all regardless of their place in the hierarchy.
- Do activities together outside of work context.
- Be focused on the process and not just the results.
- Not engage in power based relationships.
Interviewing our Expert on Building Trust
For today’s article we interviewed Tomek Lubotzki. Tomek is living and working in a community space dealing with dynamics of working and living together. He also works as a trainer and facilitator for groups, facilitating different training courses in the last 18 years. Creating trust for learning has been the basis of his work. He gives training courses for facilitators to hold space for transformative journeys.
He’s been a part of a year-long process with ‘Out of Love’ school where they were trained to establish a loving and trustful ground within groups. He is working in a circus project bringing circus to vulnerable kids traumatized from the war Mobile Circus for Peace. As it’s important to create a trustful space in the team before they step into the work with the kids, he is working on how to empower self-regulation and support within the team so that everybody feels trusted and ready to do the work. And also in the work with the kids they try to create a trustful ground for them to express themselves and deal with their light and shadows in a frame of playfulness and creativity.
We asked him the following questions:
- What are the main obstacles to building trust in relationships?
- Are all expectations bad in relationships?
- How can we let go of judgment as an obstacle to building trust?
- What about doubt as an obstacle to building trust?
- How can we build trust in relationships?
- How can we build trust in the workplace?
- What are some practical ideas/activities to build trust in relationships?
- What are some practical ideas/activities to build trust in the workplace?
Here are his answers:
1. What Are the Main Obstacles to Building Trust in Relationships?
Trust is the ability to let go of personal ego-based fears and insecurities. It is to be able to allow the other person to be an authentic partner for their own needs. It is to see that when you open up and allow yourself to be you, to share what is your inner longing and your vulnerability, you create space for common growth. And you add value to your own perspective, which can allow you to grow and to flourish at who and what you are.
The conditioning which we get from childhood, and probably some trauma which we take from home, often create a shield around our inner self to open up to others. It is because we have been taught that vulnerability and opening up to your true self can lead to pain. So, carrying this into relations can create tension. That we will not be able to reach this true dialogue with each other. Because they maintain a protection shield around themselves.
Another aspect can be that this focus on the self and my ego based interest, where I would like to get a benefit from a relationship, get dominant. And people don’t feel that it’s a common space. Rather they feel that one person is dominating to project his or her expectations on the other person. And that they need to convince or push towards a goal or expectation. Then this other person becomes an object to fulfill an ego based perspective.
2. Are All Expectations Bad in Relationships?
When it’s coming from an ego based desire to control another person and limit their freedom, yes. When there is no space to create a common ground because one side is expecting what the other side will do. Of course when there are wishes and needs, a relationship can flourish when this is a safe ground to communicate and express them. In a relationship, this common growing and creating a space where we can fulfill each other’s needs and wishes is a very valuable space. And this is something different from expectations.
3. How Can We Let Go of Judgment as an Obstacle to Building Trust?
I think judgment comes from a place of fear, from a place of not recognizing their own value and the value of others. It’s lacking an independent space of respect. When we step into judgment, we step out of compassion. We step out of the ability to sense and connect deeply and authentically with each other. Judgment is projecting on the other person a limited view which I have about a situation, rather than creating a bridge to have a common understanding and to learn from each other.
Judgment is not giving so much space for the other person to express what is her or his true intention or what is behind the action. I only look at my own perspective and project that on another person. In my understanding, it comes from a place of fear and a place of control. So, limiting the freedom of each other and having a superior perspective on what and how the other person is behaving.
4. What About Doubt as an Obstacle to Building Trust?
Sometimes doubts are good because they lead to questions. And having questions probably leads to a wider understanding of the situation. It’s good to transform doubts into some active impulses to grow and to see when I have a question and an unclear situation, I can involve other people into that to clear it and to have a common view of the situation. And this always helps to feel empowered and supported.
So, sometimes doubt can be an impulse to step out of a limited perspective of “I can do anything by myself” and allow other people to step in as I reach out for support and I reach out for understanding of others and to get advice and feedback and reflections. So, I think that sometimes a question can lead to a much higher quality than too fast an action based on being totally sure that the things I see are the only possible options.
On the other hand, doubts are also sometimes related to fear and the judgment of others which we are expecting to happen. Through childhood we have been raised that we are not good enough and our actions would not fulfill the expectations of other people and we’ll fail. So, when this comes back, it’s good to identify that it’s something we’re in control of. You can empower yourself to see the value of yourself and your work and allow other people to support and to resonate with that. If you have doubts about yourself, other people will probably feel this energy and insecurity and they will also not feel safe. So, probably it’s good to be able to trust yourself first so that others can trust what you are doing and what you are offering.
5. How Can We Build Trust in Relationships?
It’s an ongoing process to create an open communication and authentic sharing about who I am, what I want, and how I see myself in a relationship. What gives me support, what makes me feel challenged. This accessible way of communicating my needs is a crucial element to build trust. That I can show my vulnerability and I’m ready to share with you my doubts, questions, my weak moments. This can be supported by you showing your vulnerability, your weaker and more vulnerable parts.
And then of course, light and shadow always go together so it’s good to establish a culture where we both can allow ourselves to authentically share what is alive. It can be a part of everyday life to have check-ins, to see how experiences which we do together are contributing to our well-being, what needs are not met, what wishes are still unfulfilled. And when I’m able to get that in that space of trust, then probably I can let go of control and the need to convince you towards a value which I represent. I am able to let go of the tension to prove my value to be loved and have an unconditional ground of mutual respect, compassion and love established in the relationship.
6. How Can We Build Trust in the Workplace?
It’s a culture of working together which needs to be established and cultivated. There needs to be a lot of interactions that go even beyond the work relations, where people feel respected for who they are and not just for the position they have in the workplace.
They need to be valued as individuals in the community where their opinion and their voice is respected. A culture of communicating needs to be established, where we will have the chance to express ourselves freely, be listened to, and be able to give feedback also to people who have more responsibility in the hierarchy than us. And to allow us to take learning from there, which in the future will increase the quality of the work. So, there’s a culture of taking care together of the ship which is a very important element of developing trust in the workplace.
It’s also good to have a culture of empowerment where people are valued for who and what they are and their work is seen as a valuable contribution to the team. So it’s good to show the language of appreciation and gratitude established in the workplace. And to allow people to see their value through those reflections and feedback so they can feel empowered to step in and share their gifts and bring their motivation through and support their team with their work.
It may interest you to look into the steps for practicing nonviolent mindful communication.
7. What Are Some Practical Ideas/Activities to Build Trust in Relationships?
To do things together rather than just to talk, to recognize that new experiences can bring new views of the situation and allow us to get inspired and to grow together. Going beyond the words can be helpful, not just to talk in circles and to arrive at the same conclusions every time, but also to express with the body, with creativity, with other tools, depending on what is alive in us. It’s good to sometimes involve other people and have someone who will facilitate a common dialogue, or support a dialogue from outside. To take part in workshops to recognize new methods of interconnection and relating with each other, to explore new ways of finding peace and harmony within ourselves first before we can invite other people to share this with us.
Start With Trusting Yourself First
I would say that a trustful relation is first a trustful relation with yourself and then invite other people to join that and extend your trust towards the world, including your partner, your community members, family and people we are working with. The seed of trustful approach towards the world is rooted within us so it’s good to take care of that space and to be able to listen to yourself and to see what needs and wishes and challenges are appearing there, what makes you feel comfortable, what makes you feel insecure. Valuing who you are and recognizing your patterns is an important element of a healthy relationship.
Authentic communication, expressing yourself in an honest way, being able to communicate your needs and desires and being able to formulate your vulnerable parts which are related to your connection with your partner and to empower healing to come through. To be able to hold space in a relationship that people can show their unknown parts and bring light to them.
I am a big fan of council meetings, with listening from the heart and speaking from the heart, creating a container for authentic communication and allowing people to feel safe in that. No rush, no hurry. People can fully concentrate on each other, this is valuable.
To learn more about how to listen mindfully, a skill priceless for any relationship, go here.
Going Beyond Words
It’s probably good to go beyond the words and have a trustful ground for physical body related interactions, common experience of being in nature, creative expressions, all these ways of expressing ourselves which go beyond the words can empower a safe and trustful ground within the relationship.
Sharing a common passion – to dance together, to meditate, to have yoga. Besides that, nature is a great teacher. So, changing the environment, stepping out of the routine, doing unusual things and surprising each other. Discovering new things in everyday life and appreciating and being grateful for what we have. Recognizing how important it is to see each other’s presence as a gift and recognizing the gift of being connected and being together.
8. What Are Some Practical Ideas/Activities to Build Trust in the Workplace?
In the workplace it is good to have regular check-ins. That a day, week or a common project which is started, finished or in progress is reflected by the team. Not just through the results and through the practical steps. But also through the emotional resonance and a feeling of contributing to more than just work.
Practically, it could be a regular check in where we see how we feel according to the common work. But also what we are bringing to the workspace. What is our situation back home. Or how we feel at the moment, and how it influences our work conditions. The moment of listening to each other. A chance to have a communication culture established where people are valued for what they are saying can support them in working together.
It’s good to have transparency for people to see and recognize how communication is structured. How the work steps are done, who is doing what. So that everyone feels that the roles are clear and the way tasks are shared is fair and transparent. This can be supported by a common platform where the results of work are visible and others can follow what others are doing. And also see their own work in a bigger frame which can empower them to do the work.
Time Together Outside of Work
And on the other hand, it’s also good to have time together as a team which goes beyond the work. To have an excursion where they spend time in another context, to change the work context. To have an expert invited to learn something new. Or to have an external facilitator sometimes to do a strategic planning and visioning where the team would like to move within the next weeks, months, years. To allow this to be a ground for growing and developing further. Going to the park, doing yoga together, meditating, expressing themselves also more creatively. It’s good to have a regular culture of doing something together as a team. This can create a more personal connection and develop trust within the team.
Conclusion: How Can You Even Have Relationships That Are Not Based on Trust?
How important is trust to you? How deep can your personal relationships be if there is no trust? What about the workplace? Can it thrive if there is no trust among the staff? Most likely not. We’ve shown you how, not it’s up to you to make the first step. Good luck and may you have trustful relationships!
Tatjana Glogovac, Senior Contributor At L’Aquila Active
Learn more about Tatjana by reading her bio below.
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