There is a popular saying: “the single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Communication is a complex process. Aside from what we say, it involves how we say it and why. The tone, volume, and pace we use, as well as our body language, convey so much about how we feel and what we think of the other person. Listening is no easier. It includes how we listen, why, and if we are listening at all. If you have ever felt misunderstood or had a conflict that didn’t resolve successfully (and who hasn’t?), it is well worth your time to look into how mindful nonviolent communication can make your life easier.
Mindful nonviolent communication involves changing the lens through which we view interaction with others:
- The goal of all communication is to meet our needs and the needs of others.
- When our needs are met, we feel pleasant feelings, while unpleasant feelings are the result of not meeting our needs.
- There are many ways we can get others to meet our needs, but it’s best to use those strategies that further our connection and collaboration with them.
- This form of communication needs you to be present, set your intention in curiosity and care, and focuse on what truly matters.
Nonviolent Communication
Back in the sixties, Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist, teacher, and mediator developed nonviolent communication, a method for growing harmony and cooperation among people. It has since been successfully used as a tool for resolving conflicts between people and nations.
The theory behind nonviolent communications is quite straightforward: each person has needs. When our needs are satisfied, we feel pleasant feelings, such as joy, pride, fulfillment. When our needs are unmet, we feel unpleasant or so-called “negative” feelings, such as frustration, anger, resentment. everything we do in life is aimed towards satisfying our needs. These may be physical needs, such as needs for food, shelter, warmth, or emotional needs – the needs for connection, belonging, love, contribution, peace.
NVC is about creating quality relations that can help us satisfy our needs. It consists of 4 steps: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. First, we observe the situation, as neutrally as possible. This means we don’t criticize, blame, or judge what’s happening. Then we express how the situation is making us feel. We proceed to elaborate on why we feel the way they do, i.e. which of our needs are being met or unmet. Finally, we end our communication with a specific request to the other person about what we’d like them to do so that our need gets met.
The Formula for Practicing Nonviolent Communication:
Here is the formula for practicing NVC:
When (make an observation) happens, I feel (express your feeling) because I need (express your need). Can you please (make a specific request)?
Let’s give a practical example: “When you play loud music till late, I feel tired and frustrated because I don’t get enough sleep and this affects my day. Could you please turn the music down after 10 PM?”
When you phrase a problem in this way, it allows another person to see your point of view without you resorting to blame or judgment. Consequently, the communication between you two becomes more productive. NVC model has proven to be highly useful in creating compassionate and peaceful communication.
However, to practice this form of communication first we need to be in touch with our feelings and needs and the feelings and needs of another human being. The problem with this is that most people are not really in tune with themselves or others so well. This is where mindfulness comes into play. The following principles and strategies for mindful nonviolent communication are based on the book “Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication” by Oren Jay Sofer who is a meditation and communication teacher.
Fundamentals of Mindful Nonviolent Communication
To practice this way of relating to people, there are 3 steps you need to work on:
1. Presence
2. Setting your intention – coming from curiosity and care
3. Attention – focusing on what matters
Let’s look into them:
1. Presence
During most of our daily interactions, we run on autopilot, stuck in what just happened or what we need to do next. It’s unfortunate that this most often happens with people we care about the most, our friends and family.
To engage in mindful communication, the first step is to be present during it. How many times did you try to talk to someone just to notice they were either spacing out, looking at their phone, or thinking about something else? Or perhaps you were on the other side? Did you ever catch yourself thinking about what you are going to say next, although the person talking hasn’t finished yet?
Mindful presence is about being present in our body, attentive to everything happening around us, without judging, criticizing, or reacting. It’s about showing up fully. This is not just about being present with our minds, but also our bodies. We are attentive to all sensations, feelings, sounds, and sights. Being present in a conversation means accepting everything that is arising during it: “This is the truth, this is what is.” Offering your presence is an invaluable gift you can give to another human, and it can be more precious than anything you might say or do for them.
How to Be Present During a Conversation– Mindfulness Exercise:
Anchoring yourself in your body is a great way to practice presence. For that purpose try the following exercise Oren suggests in his book. Pick one of the four ways to ground your attention in your body: 1) gravity 2) centerline 3) breath or 4) touchpoints.
1) Gravity
Sit down and close your eyes. Feel the weight or heaviness of your body. if you are too tense, relax your body into the ground. Feel your body touching the ground under you. Notice these sensations, and observe them for as long as possible. After a while, you will become used to this new form of embodied awareness.
2) Your centerline
Move your attention to your upper body. Feel how your torso starts from the waist and pelvis. Feel your back, shoulders, and neck. Now sense your centerline by feeling your spine, from the tailbone to the base of the head. Or imagine a line going down the middle of your torso, in between your front and back body and your left and right side. Try moving your torso back and front, left and right, and twist to sense how your centerline is moving with it too. Keep your attention on the centerline. Once you embody yourself with this exercise, it will affect how you move around in the world.
3) Using the breath
This one is a more familiar technique. Simply feel yourself breathing and keep your attention on these sensations. You can either follow the breath going through your body, or you can focus on one specific place in your body such as the belly, chest, throat, or the bottom of the nostrils.
4) Touch points
Hands and feet are very sensitive when it comes to the nerve endings and the sensations in them. So start by focusing on your hands, noticing any sensations arising there. Perhaps you can focus on the feeling of your hands resting on your body or touching it. Then, move on to your feet. Feel any sensations, there, maybe cold, or warmth, your feet touching the ground, the contact with the socks or shoes. You can try this with other sensitive body parts, such as your lips, tongue, or eyes. When your mind wanders, gently come back to the place of focus.
Shift between all of these anchor points until you find one that is easiest for you to hold your attention on. Practice this first alone during this dedicated practice, and then start to introduce it when you are doing something else. Finally, start to integrate it into how you interact with the outside world.
2. Setting Your Intention – Coming From Curiosity and Care
The second step of having mindful conversations is to set our intention right. Intention is the motivation behind our words and actions. No matter what words we use, people can sense our intention. The intention Oren suggests is to come from a place of curiosity and care.
A conversation is a process of mutual collaboration. I matter and so do you. It’s not me versus you, it’s about us. This means we don’t treat another human being as an object, a means to fulfill our goal. We treat them as a subject who is equally important as we are.
To engage in a successful dialogue, we need to nurture honest human connection. When we are genuinely interested in what another being has to say, we open this space for connection. That’s why being curious and caring for another human being matters. To care means to allow ourselves to be affected by another person, their views, feelings, and needs. We are willing to see their humanity. Being curious means recognizing that we don’t know everything and that we want to learn.
Exercise for Setting Your Intention on Curiosity and Care:
Next time when you engage in a conversation, do the anchoring exercise first, and then ask yourself one of the following questions to find in yourself that place of curiosity and care:
- “What’s happening here?”
- “What can I learn?”
- “How can we resolve this to become closer?”
- “How can we start to understand each other better?”
- “What would work for both of us?”
- “What matters to them?”
- “What matters to me?”
You can even try saying to the person: “I’d really like to understand what you are trying to say.”
3. Attention – Focusing On What Matters
Meditation and mindfulness are all about training our attention. We focus on the breath, bodily sensations, gravity, and so on. When we train our attention in this way, we have more choice over what we want to attend to at any given moment.
Now, let’s apply this to conversations. Often in conversations, we focus on making a point, proving that we are right, or what we want to get from the other person. What if we could shift our attention onto how we can understand each other better and work together? Or what if you could feel the sensations in your body on time? Next time stress starts to overwhelm you, you feel this on time and decide to take a few breaths before talking to your children or your partner? Or if you can feel yourself rushing to speak before you truly acknowledge what the other person has to say. What would happen if you remembered to bring your attention back to the person? Other people are more likely to listen to us with their full attention if they feel listened to.
And another things you can do about stress is to try Yoga Nidra. In this article, we’ve included the scientific basis behind it and also a 10 minute guided session. Perhaps try it out? You can find other mindful ways to help you nurture your relationship here. And as for your children, check out our article on mindfulness tips for parents, how and why to practice them.
Shifting our attention in this way helps us relate to others in more meaningful ways. When listening to another person, could you sense the deeper concerns behind their words? Could you feel into what they need, and show empathy for it? Could you feel what you need and feel empathy for yourself? When we train our attention through mindful nonviolent communication, we are able to see the bigger picture. The results are closer relationships and a deeper understanding of ourselves and others.
If you’re not the best when it comes to listening, check out our article on how to listen mindfully here. It can do wonders for your relationships.
Exercise: Seeing Life From the Perspective of Needs
As you go throughout your day, reflect on what needs are you trying to fulfill with your actions. Once you get comfortable with that, start to observe other people in this way. What matters to them? What’s their motivation behind their words and actions? Do this with people you come into direct contact with and also with those you see on TV, chatting in a café, passing you by. Notice how it affects you to observe yourself and others in this way.
Tips for Practicing Mindful Nonviolent Communication
- Remember that this stuff takes training and practice.
- Start small, even if it’s just for 5 minutes a day.
- Approach your training with patient and kind persistence.
- Your small successes will eventually accumulate and retrain your brain to do things differently.
- When you forget to do it, remember not to criticize yourself; instead, be happy you remembered!
- Have a practice buddy. This will help a lot.
Conclusion: Mindful Nonviolent Communication Is a Radical Shift of Perspective on How We Relate to Others
Since we are used to approaching communication in an entirely different way, listening to our own and other people’s needs and feelings might seem strenuous and unnatural at first — but so does skiing, or walking on high heels. When talking to others, be present, curious, and caring and shift your awareness on what matters – your connection.
Tatjana Glogovac, Senior Contributor At L’Aquila Active
Learn more about Tatjana by reading her bio below.
Click on link below to meet L’Aquila Active’s entire team of experts, including university degrees, certifications, and credentials on yoga and meditation: